Tension on the Homefront

Things have been a bit tense around our house lately. Hub and I seem to be at odds about quite a few things and I am running out of ways to be nonchalant about it.

For four years I have been begging Hub to get a different job. He works over night at a hotel, doesn’t make much money and is, in my opinion, wasting his professional abilities on a job that will never take him anywhere.
Working over night has allowed him to stay home during the day with Special K. This has saved us a shit ton on daycare, but it may well be costing us our marriage.

From what Special K tells me, he spends most of his days sitting in front of his computer working on his book. The same book that he has been “writing” for the last 7 years, changed at least 1,000 times and has never ever sent in to a publisher.

We never see each other and when we do, he is usually to tired to  participate in any marriage type activities. You know, fun things like discussing budgets, paying bills, planning our future, snuggling, generally any type of conversation  or adult responsibilities.

His inability to participate leaves everything on my shoulders, making me a nervous, pressure filled wreck ready to blow at any time. I am constantly on edge. I feel like I can’t settle on anything. I always have to be looking for the next thing, the next pay bump, the next way for me to make more $$ because I know that he won’t and we can’t support a family on his income.

Add to that, he wants more kids. Not like, hey maybe we will have another baby some day. More like, why haven’t you popped out twins yet cause I want 4 more right now.

It’s not a good situation. I’m frustrated and ready to move forward with our lives but I feel like his lack of participation is stifling our whole family.

When he took this job, he was promised by the company that they would be promoting him to a Manager position within 3-6 months. The hotel was just opening and they wanted to train him first. I get that. Four years later, I am still waiting for that transition.

After countless fights and many nights of me begging him to get what I call a “real job” he promised that he would have one before Special K started school.
There has been a countdown in my head since that agreement.

Well, end date is 51 days, 19 hours, 48 minutes and some odd seconds away and he hasn’t so much as put together a resume. This enrages me. I won’t get into all the reasons why because that would just be a negative waste of my time.  Ironically, the end date is also my birthday. How’s that for a kick in the ass.

Last night, we had a big blow out about it. The end result was his leaving and my crying. I feel terrible about all this but I don’t know what to do. I have come to resent him for his lack of ambition and he has come to resent me for my endless nagging about it.

I will admit, when I have something on my mind I can be a bit obsessive. I check Craigslist daily, always emailing him the jobs that I think are a prefect fit for him. He never does anything with them, of course, so it’s really just a waste of time on both our parts.

At this point, there really are days that I feel like I am living with a roommate rather than my husband. Two ships passing in the night and all that.

I don’t know what will come of this or if there is any way to fix it. I am trying to have faith that he will actually get off his ass, put on his big boy pants and do something with his life. Hope is a small flame but at least it’s still lit.

*sigh*

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