I should get up before the sun so I can make a hot breakfast for my kid before shipping her off to school. I should be able to complete the small list of chores that I have on my fridge, neatly organized into short lists of daily tasks that should take no more than 15 minutes to ensure a house that sparkles in the frickin sun shine. I should have my 2 month old down for a nap by 11am, where he should nap for at least two hours so I can get in the shower and have time to write my blog posts, which I feel I should have up daily. I should get Special K’s homework done by 3:30 so that she can do her chores by 4:00 and have the optimum 1.5 hours to play outside before it gets dark at 5:30. I should have dinner on the table by 7:00. Dinner should include one well cooked protein, a starch which evenly rotates between a potato, rice or pasta, and a vegetable.
The list goes on and I recognize that I have developed OCD when it comes to my household.
The truth is, I am lucky if I can snap my kid out of her sleepy stupor to eat a granola bar before she hustles out the door to meet the school bus. My house is not clean. I don’t have 15 minutes to pee and maybe brush my hair, let alone clean the house. Pinterest and their chore charts can bite my ass. This post is only being written because Sy is passed out on my lap. Getting K (or any other member of my family) to do things on my cock-a-mamy schedule is like herding cats into a lake. It’s not going to happen. Most nights, dinner ends up either under cooked or grossly over cooked. Bed time consists of the phrase “go to bed” being recited over 30 times before she finally wrangles a cat and heads up stairs.
At this point, I am starting to understand that it is not the final outcome that matters most but rather the intention with which things are approached. My kids don’t care if dinner is a carefully rotated menu. They do care if mommy is losing her freaking mind trying to stick to a schedule that no one else acknowledges. My husband doesn’t give a shit if his plate is the first on the table. Most nights he catches me mid-breakdown and so politely reminds me to stop worrying about getting his plate and to just get my self taken care of and sit the fuck down so I can give the baby a boob so he will stop screaming. Hell, my husband can’t even get himself out of bed at 6:00 for a 7:00 dinner so why should I worry about getting things on the table on time?
So, having gotten of track, I will come back around to say that I am forgiving myself for the little things. I will no longer try to press myself into the mold that I saw on television growing up. It’s ok if I can breastfeed my son. It’s ok if I can’t. Cloth diapers or disposable… doesn’t matter as long as his ass is covered. I am a good mom, a good wife and a good person. What matters most is that I love my family. I forgive myself.