It’s a process…

The last month has been one of the most stressfull times of my life. (Has it really only been a month, it feels like years)
The time since we decided to move has sucked. No, sucked it putting it lightly. It’s been a stressed out, unorganized mess of shit spread on toast so thin that you can’t help but get it smeared all over you. I understand that changes take place while making a transition such as this but let me give you a short summation of what it’s been like around here-
Day 1- Yay! Let’s make this tremendous life change! What can possibly go wrong?
Day 3- Are we sure we want to do this? When are we doing this? Oh, May 2nd works for you! Ok, May 2nd it is. Let’s give notice to our landlord so we have 60 days to pack!
Day 5- Ok, down to 58 days to get our whole lives rearranged, no pressure.
Day 7- Mother in Law graciously informs us that she is happy to let us stay in her house in KC while we get up on our feet. No rent, no problem! Oh, and leave your furniture, sell it so you will have extra move money. We can have hers! Isn’t that nice??
Day 11- Phone call from prospective job that started all this. Position has been filled by someone who could be here faster. We know you were counting on this to be your SOLE family income and that you’ve uprooted your lives to be here. Our bad. LOLOLOLOLOLOL
Day 12- MIL retracts house offer. Oh, you have no income now? Well, no job means no house, rent free or not. MWhahahahahaha
Day 13- Nervous breakdown ensues. Copious amounts of infighting between Hubs and I. Are we or aren’t we? What do we do now?
Day 15- I start spamming the hell out of every hotel in the KC area. HIRE MY HUSBAND! Look at his resume! Isn’t he fabulous? Get it while it’s hot folks!!
Day 16- Sit despondent at the computer screen, shocked that our phone/email is not ringing off the hook with job offers as CEO of all major hotels in KC. Can’t obsesses like this. Gotta get busy. Down to 44 days.
Day 18- Hotels booked for drive across country. Route planned. Dates confirmed. Still no job or house. Why are we doing this again?
Day 20- A phone call! Oh thank you heavens A Phone Call! Hubs has job interview tomorrow at 1pm.
Day 21- Flurry of phone calls. Interviews being requested around the clock – You want to talk to him at 3, sorry, he’s booked, how about 2?
Day 22- Hubs has been on the phone with 6 different hotels. Can’t tell one from the other. Didn’t you already talk to that guy? Wait, if you’re talking to him now then who’s at 4 tomorrow? Damn.
Day 23- Those went so well that there is no way you won’t get an offer by the end of the week. I am going to go start packing the house! La la la, throwing shit in boxes.
Day 24- COMPLETE RADIO SILENCE.
Day 25- Where have they all gone? No offers yet.. I don’t get it. Didn’t they all love your go-get-em attitude and witty repartee? Haven’t they seen your meticulous LinkedIn profile and your dapper smile in said profile pic? Where HAVE THEY ALL GONE???
Day 26- Fine, I’ll call them. I wanna know why my husband isn’t good enough for them. I want one good reason why… oh, the phone’s ringing. Hold on. No, not an offer, another interview? Those Mother Fuckers! Where is your job offer with penthouse and millions?
Day 27- MIL is calling daily wanting updates on our arrival date. Doesn’t seem to accept that we aren’t doing this without a job or house set up. Must have one to get the other. Baby won’t sleep. Please sleep. Please.. Someone give this kid an Ambien.
Day 28- Finally, an offer! Slight pay increase, no penthouse..This is really happening! Contingent on drug test and background check. Well, Hubs hasn’t been making meth and he didn’t get caught when he did that thing that one time so we should be ok, right? RIGHT?
Day 29- Family packing day! We can only take about 1/2 of our crap so everything we don’t want gets thrown out or donated. Day spent frantically throwing shit in boxes or trash bags. Bags and boxes frequently confused for each other. Kid ends up dumpster diving to get coffee pot. Must have coffee pot! Baby cries all day, don’t know why.
Day 30- Take Kid to roller skating party. Declare day off. Fall twice, dislocate hip and left shoulder. Should probably be in traction for this shit. Fucking OW! Cannot pack so I spend the night looking for an apartment. There are no acceptable living facilities to be found. Different kind of panic sets in…30 days left…

Which brings me to now… No coffee, covered in baby puke, scrubbing cat feces off the floor at 7am. I want to go hide in a dark room somewhere. Actually considering getting a hotel room so I can just watch HBO and cry all day. I don’t want to do this anymore but I am caught up in a whirl wind with a deadline approaching at rapid speed.

29 days left….

A whole lotta nothin’

A few days ago Hubs woke up early and started cleaning the house. While the baby and I were sleeping he managed to do two loads of laundry, a load of dishes, pick up the living room and a number of other chores. It took him two hours.
When I woke up I was immensely greatfull for all the help. His response was to tease me about how I do nothing around the house and to make comments about how I spend my days sitting on the couch.
Needless to say, I was hurt by this. I will admit, I do have days where I am stuck on the couch or in the bed and I am not able to do much in the way of chores. He may see this as doing nothing. I see it as spending my day dealing with a screaming baby who has terrible gas pain. I see it as having my heart torn out for hours because my child is hurting and I don’t know what to do about it.
Most days, I don’t have 15 minutes to brush my hair or take a shower, let alone the two hours it took him to clean the house.
I am sure the he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings when he made those comments but it still stung. I struggle with my place in the family on a daily basis. It is my opinion, for what it’s worth, that when I made the decision to stay home instead of going back to work, I took up the commitment to take care of the household responsibilities. I have written before about my issues with guilt when I am not able to get things done the way I think they should be.
I guess what I am getting at is this- While I was on Facebook today I found this post from Big City Moms called New moms get nothing done. To quote the post- “There is no greater task than the nothing you did yesterday, the nothing you are doing today, and the nothing you will do tomorrow.” I needed to read that. I needed it a lot.
I may be doing “nothing” in the way of house work. The laundry may be piled on the couch and the dishwasher may be full with last nights dishes but I am creating a life long bond with my son and I would not give that up for anything.

The mother I want to be vs. the mother I am

I am 29 years old with two kids. I don’t know what I am doing and the word “should” is used far too much in my vocabulary. 

I should get up before the sun so I can make a hot breakfast for my kid before shipping her off to school. I should be able to complete the small list of chores that I have on my fridge, neatly organized into short lists of daily tasks that should take no more than 15 minutes to ensure a house that sparkles in the frickin sun shine. I should have my 2 month old down for a nap by 11am, where he should nap for at least two hours so I can get in the shower and have time to write my blog posts, which I feel I should have up daily. I should get Special K’s homework done by 3:30 so that she can do her chores by 4:00 and have the optimum 1.5 hours to play outside before it gets dark at 5:30.  I should have dinner on the table by 7:00. Dinner should include one well cooked protein, a starch which evenly rotates between a potato, rice or pasta, and a vegetable.

The list goes on and I recognize that I have developed OCD when it comes to my household.

The truth is, I am lucky if I can snap my kid out of her sleepy stupor to eat a granola bar before she hustles out the door to meet the school bus. My house is not clean. I don’t have 15 minutes to pee and maybe brush my hair, let alone clean the house. Pinterest and their chore charts can bite my ass. This post is only being written because Sy is passed out on my lap. Getting K (or any other member of my family) to do things on my cock-a-mamy schedule is like herding cats into a lake. It’s not going to happen. Most nights, dinner ends up either under cooked or grossly over cooked. Bed time consists of the phrase “go to bed” being recited over 30 times before she finally wrangles a cat and heads up stairs.

At this point, I am starting to understand that it is not the final outcome that matters most but rather the intention with which things are approached. My kids don’t care if dinner is a carefully rotated menu. They do care if mommy is losing her freaking mind trying to stick to a schedule that no one else acknowledges. My husband doesn’t give a shit if his plate is the first on the table. Most nights he catches me mid-breakdown and so politely reminds me to stop worrying about getting his plate and to just get my self taken care of and sit the fuck down so I can give the baby a boob so he will stop screaming. Hell, my husband can’t even get himself out of bed at 6:00 for a 7:00 dinner so why should I worry about getting things on the table on time? 

So, having gotten of track, I will come back around to say that I am forgiving myself for the little things. I will no longer try to press myself into the mold that I saw on television growing up. It’s ok if I can breastfeed my son. It’s ok if I can’t. Cloth diapers or disposable… doesn’t matter as long as his ass is covered. I am a good mom, a good wife and a good person. What matters most is that I love my family. I forgive myself.

 

For what it’s worth..

I’m struggling y’all. I don’t know if it’s post partum depression getting to me or what but the last few  days have just been a real battle to keep myself positive. I’m frustrated, exhausted and I’m getting fed up with little things around the house. Maybe it’s just cabin fever from being stuck at home for so long. It just feels like every day is the same and the nasty weather isn’t helping either.
Sy has not been sleeping because of his acid reflux, he’s not keeping anything down at all and he screams.. oh, my God does he scream. Hours on end with nothing to relieve him. I took him to the doctor yesterday and she said that he could have a number of different issues so we need to take him in for an ultrasound this afternoon.
I am terrified that something is seriously wrong with him. I can’t stand to see him in this much pain, all the time and it kills me that I don’t know what to do to help him. He won’t sleep unless he’s on me and even then it’s only for 10 minutes at a time. Since he’s not sleeping I’m not getting anything done around the house, while is driving me nuts. I’m not a total neat freak but I can’t stand it when other people don’t clean up after themselves. I am somewhat understanding with K, since she is only 7 and she is still learning, but the child is actually better than her father. The man is driving me nuts. At least K puts her dirty stuff in the proper places.  The living room floor is not his personal laundry bin, his desk is not where his dirty dishes go and when the dishes actually make it to the sink could ya please bother to rinse them off? Is that asking to much?
I know I should just calmly bring it up to him before it becomes a big deal in my own head but as much as it pisses me off I feel guilty about not being able to keep the house clean like I should be. I mean, I’m not working so I feel like I should be able to take proper care of the kids and the house. It’s my job now and if I were my boss, I would fire me.
Now, before you get all uppity at me for not giving myself enough credit, I do, I just want to be a good wife and I guess that my June Cleaver complex really comes into play in this area. Maybe I do need to just take a break and realize that I am doing my best in all areas and that’s all that I can be expected to do. After all, I am worth over $100,000… 

 

 

 

Love and Laughter

Days 9-10 of the photo challenge result in the same picture. Day 9 is the person who has gotten me through the most and Day 10 is the person who you do the most fucked up things with- One and the same.

Tension on the Homefront

Things have been a bit tense around our house lately. Hub and I seem to be at odds about quite a few things and I am running out of ways to be nonchalant about it.

For four years I have been begging Hub to get a different job. He works over night at a hotel, doesn’t make much money and is, in my opinion, wasting his professional abilities on a job that will never take him anywhere.
Working over night has allowed him to stay home during the day with Special K. This has saved us a shit ton on daycare, but it may well be costing us our marriage.